I haven’t really known where to start this next blog, I said to a friend the other day that I only seem to blog when I am down or struggling with this whole journey to which her answer was that that was probably the time I needed it the most……I thought about this and maybe that is true, maybe this is how I process what is going on.
I said I would always be honest within this blog and so for that reason I can tell you that for the last few weeks I have been very much in the dark depths of depression, It will probably sound like a lot of feeling sorry for myself and I don’t mind admitting that it is a lot like that, over the last few weeks I have been slowly sinking deeper, I do actively try to make myself upbeat as I am for the most part quite a positive person but have you ever just felt as though whatever you do it just feels like everything and it’s dog is against you?! *sighs* I’m not going to go into details of the things that have been slowly grinding me down or have me feeling like my luck has ran out but I really feel like I am fighting for every breath at the minute.
One good thing that has happened though recently is that after 4 weeks of no car I finally got it back, I have done quite well without it as hubs has driven me into town if I have needed and I have just walked the 5 miles back but it is nice to have it back, I had to put pressure on the guy fixing it as I had a girls trip out to Glasgow for a Christmas fair booked for the Saturday just gone, which, of course, ended in disaster due to Calmac deciding that it would cancel the late ferry so after arriving at 11 from a 4am start, finding they had cancelled the ferry at 2pm had to hop foot it out of Glasgow to get back for the last ferry sailing……we made it with 5 minutes to spare, I had to drive like a rally car driver and pushed it all the way back but we made it safe and sound back to the rock….we would have made the decision to stay in Glasgow if my friend didn’t need to get back to her 9 month old..so staying wasn’t really an option. I did however have time to tempt fate with a beautiful original water colour of a polar bear that I bought thinking it would look nice in a nursery but equally will look good above our bed until a time.
So I have to think here, the infertility is actually eating me up inside and I can’t seem to be able to get ahead of it so i’m taking it off the table, at the minute it’s the start of the run up to Christmas and I LOVE this time of year!!! I am one of those people that has already got all the shopping done and wrapped and I would have the decorations up if the Hubs would allow me…he won’t but I do sneak one a week up from the beginning on November ;0) (he knows of course and we do this dance every year haha), Here, for sure, January and February are very long dark months with not a lot happening so if this is the last time for this year I can have something to look forward to and enjoy then I am going to prolong it for as long as possible and just maybe, with the family and friends, adverts, songs, community and magic that Christmas brings to me then maybe I will find some of that hope to take back because at the minute when I look at a stunningly clear milky way….all I see is stars!
Head – Catwa Catya
Body – Maitreya Lara
Jeans – Blueberry – Rie – Torn Jeans – Fat Pack
Hair – TRUTH VIP January – Teanna
Pose – *FN* I Am Only One Pose + Rose
Location – ~Esoteric~