A watched Kettle

I had planned my next blog to explain some of the cost involved with TTC ( I can easily say in the last 2 years for us it runs into the thousands) but then as she always does Aunt flo (AF) decided to throw a curve ball my way.

I was not expecting a result at all this month as I am quite certain that due to my hubby having to leave the rock for a bit and visitors staying that we had pretty much missed the fertile window, I calculated that maybe once had made it in to the 5 day window, but I tried to get my head space into that there would for sure be no chance of a positive test this month, this might sound a pretty negative stance on things but this far in, sometimes, it’s the only way to get through the torment of the monthly cycle…..

I have enjoyed having family and friends here over the last month but as I sit here typing the In-Laws are packing up and tonight will be the first time in 4 weeks that I won’t have to put a bra back on after getting out of the shower….I can’t wait!!!! Anyway due to the bedlam that has been I didn’t really check my calendar etc to know when AF was meant to be here, of course, I had some idea but not exact so when I went to the toilet on Thursday was a little taken back that I was spotting ( now I have told you that I will be as honest as possible with this journey and I guess this stuff needs to go in too.) A few things whirring through my head I picked up my phone and checked my app….to my surprise the app showed this was 4 days before I was due, at this point I took a deep breath and just sat there staring at the phone for a bit…..

Implantation bleeding is not very common, around 30% of women will get this as a pregnancy symptom, It’s a slight bleed of dark brown/pink blood that occurs around 4 days before an actual period and is the aftermath of the  fertilised egg implanting in the lining of the womb, most woman will think they are just having an early period, some don’t get it at all…….you can see where this is going…..So I suddenly became aware that something different was happening, the fact I was early and I had had some sharp stabby pains in the area I know my womb to be.

At this point  it is now starting to consume my time and head space, it is all I can think about, I refused the wine, went for a longer walk, made sure I wasn’t lifting too heavy…all these things just in case……. I couldn’t just keep this to myself, I messaged my friend who is very healthily  pregnant with her IVF baby 🙂 and my first words were “Yo, So I’m probably going to be jinking everything but i’m spotting today, 4 days early” when I say there are no secrets between us on this journey then believe me there are no secrets, if you saw our message feed you would see that no subject through this goes unspoken about…Again I can see you reading maybe thinking “gosh, it’s very negative” but there does come a time when after all you see is negative that you really start to believe it’s never going to happen 😦 …. My friend and I chatted for a bit about it with the usual fingers crossed, rainbow and star emojis used and lots of prayers and hopes and the decision that first thing in the morning I would do a First response test.

Now the one thing it doesn’t do any more is keep me awake at night so I slept all the way through til the morning where the first thing I did was to wee in a jar and took the test out of the box……and then I tipped it down the toilet….I didn’t take the test, at this point I was still spotting but it had started to become more red ( a sure sign that’s it more than likely AF) but still not in the slightest heavy, but,  I didn’t do the test for another reason…HOPE….within 48 hours I had began to hope, I had began to believe that just possibly it was my turn and if that was the case I could wait to do the test for one more day, don’t get me wrong I did 8 cheap strip tests that gave my evaporation lines on some but none on the others but I knew I was too early to expect an accurate answer from these so I think it was just for the sake of doing them that i did!  I then spent the day hoping and praying and listening to my body to see if this was it……the flow didn’t and hasn’t changed much since this all began and whilst I am writing this BUT the next day I did do a test and did again this morning for it to be a blazing negative :((( and so all that hope, all those possibilities came crashing down, I spent most of yesterday dark and trying to hold myself together, googling all kinds of things hoping to find a thread that would tell me FR tests were unreliable and that it was likely there was something wrong with the tests, I’m afraid I didn’t do very well at any of it….thankfully the house remained empty for the majority of the day and when it wasn’t I found excuses to be elsewhere in the house so they didn’t see the tears.

I deal differently every month, some months I am fine, completely understand it and just get on with it, other months i’m a broken ball of mess curled up in the corner of the room with the only question on my lips “WHY????” why will it just not happen?, why can’t I get it to work? why does everyone else seem to get all the luck? what have I done so wrong that I’m not worthy of it? and so yeah, it’s been a roller coaster few days this month making this month a broken one…..i’m not stupid, obviously hormones are aiding the tears I don’t doubt, but it makes it no better and doesn’t change the outcome, every time I walk into the bathroom I just look at the test again in case I missed it the first time or willing it to have changed….I didn’t/ it doesn’t …I have to be strict with myself and take out the bathroom rubbish not long after otherwise the obsession to check it would continue…you know…just in case!

I suppose the silver lining to all this is that by being early with AF that means my fertile week is sooner this month etc etc, so as the same as every other past month so far I will pick myself up and the cycle will continue but for now I will just let the tears flow for a bit……

CREDITS

MIDNA – Kisha Earrings

Body – Maitreya Lara

Head – Catwa Catya

Hair – TRUTH VIP January – Teanna

Izzie’s – Catwa Tears Applier

Izzie’s – Catwa Freckles Appliers