Good Morning All,
Being a commercial Vegetable grower means very early mornings and very late nights, through the season, 7 days a week. This season has been no exception except for an influx of amazing weather meaning we hit the ground running in March and are only just lifting our heads to breathe….this along with the next month full of family and friends visiting saw me this week deciding I needed a few days to myself, so packed up the car with the tent and some essential supplies, took the ferry over to the mainland and pitching my tent on campsite near the most westerly point of the UK, 20 minutes after arriving I thought I might be heading home on the next ferry though, due the wind gusts heading up towards 37 miles an hour really hampering my chances of getting the tent up……sooooo through god damn determination 3 hours later, 2 women off the campsite helping and mother nature clearly not!! we managed to get the tent up where I then unpacked and settled in!
I was looking forward to some time alone to try and reset my thoughts, get the season out of my system and start to make plans for winter, I do have a small amount of winter trade but not even close to the amount through the summer so again my thoughts and concentration now need to turn to the IVF.
The first day I spent exploring…being a geek this saw me in the middle of the crater of an extinct super volcano and visiting the Stevenson Lighthouse on the most westerly part of the UK, which thanks to the winds , saw me sat at the top of the lighthouse watching the crashing waves, this also gave me more time to reflect to come to the decision that from here on in all decisions would be made around IVF rather than before where I gave my time out freely, Now this may sound selfish but we only have to look after ourselves, right? and if I get to the doctors in November and I’m told I can’t have it due to something I haven’t done then I would be even more crushed so from now on if it’s good for the IVF then it stays :)….. After this the holiday was what is should be, other than the wind trying constantly to blow my tent away I did have a fun relaxing few days!
Now, one big life change the hubs and I are making at the minute is to sell our house that is in Nottinghamshire ( where we lived before moving to Scotland) We own the house outright and for a long time thought that we would just leave it there to be some sort of pension….but as always, nothing stays the same and if you don’t move you don’t grow so we have now decided to sell up and put the money into a holiday cottage up here and start another little sideline…this has meant us going off viewing potential properties on the rock, which for the most part is pretty exciting…….that said, the lack of fertility can hit you at the weirdest times and with the oddest thoughts..here’s how it went…..so off we go and meet a woman that is going to show us round a potential house that we like the look of 🙂 we turn up and all goes pretty well, the house is fantastic and perfect!! and after looking round the grounds we are all stood talking in front of the house where it hits me there and then that this woman is selling this house so her mum (current occupant) can move to be closer to her and the rest of the family (the house is pretty remote and equally the daughter doesn’t live on the rock) and all of a sudden I get hit by a wave of emotion that has my head going to what if I am never in that position of a child that looks out for my best elderly interests?? so much so that I had to make an excuse to go and just look at something so I could take some deep breaths.
Now like most(?) have a very odd relationship with my family, I don’t speak to my brother, my dad or any of his side of the family so it leaves my grand parents on my mums side, my mum and my stepdad (to whom, for the sake of the blog, has 3 types of cancer at the minute and it’s not looking great 😦 ) and of course, my In laws, all with who I get on with swimmingly but my point is I look at them as we are all now older and with my stepdad and how we all rally around to make sure the best is possibly done, how we are together as a family and I think that’s where these feelings came from……will I ever know what it’s like to have a daughter need her mum because she’s upset over something? will I ever know what it’s like to have my son come home and tell me about his first day at school?…now I am of rational mind (sometimes..come on.. I am female 😉 ) these aren’t really life questions that need an answer…but you know when you suffer from infertility these are exactly the places you find your mind! Everything makes a impact in one way or the other so the oddest situation can have you thinking about a life without.
I have to say I do not believe, at this moment, that I won’t be able to have children. I can’t even take my head to a place where we are given that news! so as it stands I fully believe that we will get to IVF and it will work! I have to take one stage at a time because with this journey it’s mainly all emotion, as a woman we have this monthly cycle which I am sure both men (this is a yes for my hubby) and women will agree is a complete pain in the ass!! but as it is all emotion and hormonal it’s not a good idea to get into a head space of complete failure! I’m not the kind of person anyway, I am not saying I haven’t had dark days but I fully believe that we will be parents…..I have a friend who tells me that my child will change the world and be very special due the fact we are having to go through all this and as much as I love her for this and I am very blessed to have supportive friends around me I will be so grateful when I have a child I would be more than happy with a son that want’s to spend his life in his mothers basement …..I’m joking..I don’t have a basement ;D haha!!
I will leave it here for now
G
CREDITS
Body – Maitreya Lara
Male body – Slink
Car – [Bad Unicorn] – Backwoods lounger
Pose – Ardent poses – wishin
Fire pit – {what next} – Pine ridge campfire
sand castle – Dust bunny, sandcastle light
Windbreak – [We’re closed] Windbreak – classic stripe
Cooler box – Dust bunny – dreamy outing cooler
Deck chairs – [what next} Provence deckchair
Candle – Apple Fall – seaside Candle
Books – Apple Fall – Stacked books
Location – ~ESOTERIC~
I’m adding this song as it was constantly going through my head whilst I was setting the picture up 🙂
Grace and poise 